• Friday, 06 July 2007 08:00

Yes, being married is no bed of roses.  “Marriage is neither heaven nor hell.  It is simply purgatory,” Abraham Lincoln said. Beverley Nichols pointed out: “Marriage is a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the remaining chapters in prose.”

Flora Davis explains: “Almost all married people fight, although many are ashamed to admit it. Actually, a marriage in which no quarreling at all takes may place well be one that is dead or dying from emotional undernourishment.  If you care, you probably fight.”

In marriage, there are always arguments.  Some marriages have sporadic firefights that start quick and are over just as quickly.  For others, it is more like a civil war: conflict is common, but kept inside the walls; no one else knows it’s a house divided.

For some, it’s escalated to World War II.  Both sides have brought in the allies: his mother, her sister, even the minister, all called on to take sides.  For some, it can deteriorate into a cold war: No fighting is evident, but things are stalemate (two stale mates).  Morning coffee is served with ice; diplomatic relations are maintained, but every word is barbwire polite; an invisible Berlin Wall extends somewhere between the sofa and the recliner.

Some conflicts end in legal separation or even divorce.  The Bible has given couples some rules of engagement when they are having squabbles.  Listen first.   That’s the first rule.  Oftentimes, the fighting escalates because no one wants to listen. Pride overwhelms both.  Proverbs 13:10 states, “Pride only breeds quarrels, but wisdom is found in those who take advice.”

Please don’t interrupt when the other is talking.  Let your spouse do the talking before you say something or contradict what the other is explaining.  Grasp all the explanations before telling what you want to say.  It’s like a debate that you have to listen to all the arguments before saying your point.

When talking, be gentle and tell nothing but the truth.  Proverbs 26:28 states: “A lying tongue hates those it hurts, and a flattering mouth works ruin.”  An argument can never be resolved until the person who committed an error will admit and amend the fault.

Don't talk too much.  Women almost always do this although men sometimes do.  Stick with your point and
don’t mention past sins.  If you have forgiven your spouse before, don’t bring those errors again.  Let bygones be bygones.

Don’t bring any more arguments while discussing.  Instead focus on solutions rather than accusations. You are talking with each other because you want to end the war.  There must be some solutions to the problems both are facing (either the husband or wife is having the problem, both have something to say).

Realize the power of your tongue. Don’t say things just to hurt your spouse.  Among those statements you
should not say to your spouse are as follows: “What’s wrong with you?” “What were you thinking?” “Can’t you
do anything right?” “All you ever do is think of yourself.” “What’s your problem?” “Do you always have to be right?”

Instead of saying those words, why don’t you tell your partner these statements: “I don’t feel complete without you.” “I appreciate all the things you’ve done for me all these years.” “If I had to do it over again, I’d still marry you.” “I’m so proud to be married to you.” “I can’t imagine life without you.”

Exercise self-control.  Never let your emotion control over you.  Remember the words of Proverbs 29:11: “A
fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.”  No explanation is needed here.

If ever you think your spouse is cheating on you or someone is telling you that he or she is, have you ever thought that you – or someone bringing it up -- could be wrong?  You may destroy your marriage because of your jealousy or wrong thoughts.  Just like in legal proceedings, you have something tangible in hand to prove your point.  And your witness – if you have one or two – should be beyond reasonable doubt.

And whatever argument or problem you have with your spouse, don’t tell anyone about it.  Of course, you don’t want your husband or wife – or both of you – to be the talk of the town.  It’s a family matter and you should settle all your differences at home.  When arguing with each other, please don’t do so in front of your children.  Make it a private matter (just like sex).

Whoever commits a sin must admit it.  Telling your spouse of your wrongdoings is very hard.  But surely he or she can forgive you.  All you have to say is: “I was wrong.  I’m sorry.  Please forgive me.”

Finally, keep loving no matter what.  Whoever has done it or whatever the cause of the problem was, don’t stop loving your spouse.  You have chosen him or her to be your lifetime partner: “in poorer on in richer, in health or in sickness, till death do us part.”

God has instituted marriage here on earth.  ““For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24).

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